Tinder. I presume you’ve heard of it. Who hasn’t? And I know your secret. I know you have a profile. You whined about the creepiness of online dating, told stories of how you heard about someone who went to meet a guy and he ended up being a serial killer. But sure wasn’t it her own fault. What did she expect from online dating? Sure everyone knows that’s where the paedophiles are.
But you have a profile. Because you realized something. There is nowhere to meet men. Nowhere. I mean, it could be that good men might not exist either. (I’ve been single for a while – can you tell?) But most likely, it’s the first one. Ever since you left university, you’re finding it more and more difficult to find a good potential husband. You work. You work 35-45 hours a week (kudos to those that do more) and the only way you can scout for that potential husband is on weekends. So where do you go? Why, the bars, of course. But after having several drunken one night stands, you realize that maybe being shitfaced in coppers won’t attract your prince charming.
Hmmmm, what to do, what to do. Well… There was that dating app that every tom, dick and harry seems to be using. You shouldn’t. It’s online dating – an absolute no-no. Maybe just for half an hour…. And the carnage begins.
So, having given you some background on why people go on tinder, I shall proceed to teach you of six types of men that can be found on Tinder. I consider myself to be an expert on this subject having had a profile for a year and a half and having experienced it in two different continents (I could have said countries there but continents sounds more impressive).
And without further ado, let me begin.
- The gorgeous, conceited narcissist
May be found topless. Frequently complains of the excess of female “models” on Tinder. Uses “haha” a lot. Short, concise sentences. Unmatches quickly. Scopes for hotter people quicker. Personality of a wet mop. Makes no effort because duh, he’s good-looking – isn’t that enough? Completely adheres to the stereotype that beautiful people have no sense of humour because they never had to. They just rely on their looks. All in all, a disappointment to the human race.
2. The No-Hookup Guy
Speaks for itself really. He doesn’t want hookups – it says so in his profile. Now this guy might be exclusive to Canada as I haven’t actually encountered this in Dublin. He sounds like a dream, right? The looking-for-true-love guy. Except… How much of a relationship guy is he? Is he the can’t-be-without-a-relationship guy? The codependent, needy guy? Or does he put “no hook-ups” on his profile to attract more ladies?
Verdict: Proceed with caution
3. The Hookup Guy
He wants to hookup. Minimal interest in pursuing a conversation because apparently hookups mean no talking allowed. Usually attractive. Not much more to say really since he doesn’t really have much to say.
Verdict: If a hookup is what you’re looking for – go ahead. But don’t expect any more ladies. Does exactly what it says on the tin.
4. The Threesome Guy
“Me and my girlfriend are looking for someone flirty to have a bit of fun with. Serious inquiries only.” A bit of a rascal. Swiping right means he will try to woo you. Why? Because precious few swipe right. He doesn’t want to lose the ones that do.
Verdict: I would suggest avoid. If you’re looking to have a threesome, do it with at least one person you kinda know. I don’t know, this just reeks of disaster to me. But again, if you’re into it (and by into it, I mean weird like that) go ahead.
5. The Aggressive Guy
This guy can come in two forms. Straight up aggressive. “Why won’t you respond? Why did you swipe right if you weren’t going to respond? F***ing hate stuck-up b*****s like you”.
Or the wolf in sheep’s clothing. So sweet. You talk for a while. Maybe Tinder isn’t so bad. Maybe you’ve finally found someone you could date. Then bam, a bus hits you. Kidding, but figuratively speaking, it does. You took one too many seconds to reply and get hit with a “fine then”. Mouth drops open. I. Was. Taking. A. Shower. Mind blown.
Verdict: Needless to say, I would give this one a miss.
6. The One
You get along like a house on fire. He’s perfect. Funny, sweet, NORMAL. Smart, good job, outgoing, you have a lot in common. To be honest, you’re already planning your wedding. Even more, when you meet in person, he doesn’t make you die inside from boredom. Like the title suggests, he’s the One.
Verdict: Never let him go.
So there you have it, folks. Six types of guys you may meet on Tinder. Just to be clear, I am not saying they are the only types you will meet (before someone jumps down my throat).
Oh, and before I forget, that last one was a joke. We’re all doomed to die alone.