Six Types of Tinder Guys

Tinder. I presume you’ve heard of it. Who hasn’t? And I know your secret. I know you have a profile. You whined about the creepiness of online dating, told stories of how you heard about someone who went to meet a guy and he ended up being a serial killer. But sure wasn’t it her own fault. What did she expect from online dating? Sure everyone knows that’s where the paedophiles are.

But you have a profile. Because you realized something. There is nowhere to meet men. Nowhere. I mean, it could be that good men might not exist either. (I’ve been single for a while – can you tell?) But most likely, it’s the first one. Ever since you left university, you’re finding it more and more difficult to find a good potential husband. You work. You work 35-45 hours a week (kudos to those that do more) and the only way you can scout for that potential husband is on weekends. So where do you go? Why, the bars, of course. But after having several drunken one night stands, you realize that maybe being shitfaced in coppers won’t attract your prince charming.

Hmmmm, what to do, what to do. Well… There was that dating app that every tom, dick and harry seems to be using. You shouldn’t. It’s online dating – an absolute no-no. Maybe just for half an hour…. And the carnage begins.

So, having given you some background on why people go on tinder, I shall proceed to teach you of six types of men that can be found on Tinder. I consider myself to be an expert on this subject having had a profile for a year and a half and having experienced it in two different continents (I could have said countries there but continents sounds more impressive).

And without further ado, let me begin.

1. The gorgeous, conceited narcissist

May be found topless. Frequently complains of the excess of female “models” on Tinder. Uses “haha” a lot. Short, concise sentences. Unmatches quickly. Scopes for hotter people quicker. Personality of a wet mop. Makes no effort because duh, he’s good-looking – isn’t that enough? Completely adheres to the stereotype that beautiful people have no sense of humour because they never had to. They just rely on their looks. All in all, a disappointment to the human race.

Verdict: Avoid

2. The No-Hookup Guy

Speaks for itself really. He doesn’t want hookups – it says so in his profile. Now this guy might be exclusive to Canada as I haven’t actually encountered this in Dublin. He sounds like a dream, right? The looking-for-true-love guy. Except… How much of a relationship guy is he? Is he the can’t-be-without-a-relationship guy? The codependent, needy guy? Or does he put “no hook-ups” on his profile to attract more ladies?

Verdict: Proceed with caution

3. The Hookup Guy

He wants to hookup. Minimal interest in pursuing a conversation because apparently hookups mean no talking allowed. Usually attractive. Not much more to say really since he doesn’t really have much to say.

Verdict: If a hookup is what you’re looking for – go ahead. But don’t expect any more ladies. Does exactly what it says on the tin.

4. The Threesome Guy

“Me and my girlfriend are looking for someone flirty to have a bit of fun with. Serious inquiries only.” A bit of a rascal. Swiping right means he will try to woo you. Why? Because precious few swipe right. He doesn’t want to lose the ones that do.

Verdict: I would suggest avoid. If you’re looking to have a threesome, do it with at least one person you kinda know. I don’t know, this just reeks of disaster to me. But again, if you’re into it (and by into it, I mean weird like that) go ahead.

5. The Aggressive Guy

This guy can come in two forms. Straight up aggressive. “Why won’t you respond? Why did you swipe right if you weren’t going to respond? F***ing hate stuck-up b*****s like you”.

Or the wolf in sheep’s clothing. So sweet. You talk for a while. Maybe Tinder isn’t so bad. Maybe you’ve finally found someone you could date. Then bam, a bus hits you. Kidding, but figuratively speaking, it does. You took one too many seconds to reply and get hit with a “fine then”. Mouth drops open. I. Was. Taking. A. Shower. Mind blown.

Verdict: Needless to say, I would give this one a miss.

6. The One

You get along like a house on fire. He’s perfect. Funny, sweet, NORMAL. Smart, good job, outgoing, you have a lot in common. To be honest, you’re already planning your wedding. Even more, when you meet in person, he doesn’t make you die inside from boredom. Like the title suggests, he’s the One.

Verdict: Never let him go.

So there you have it, folks. Six types of guys you may meet on Tinder. Just to be clear, I am not saying they are the only types you will meet (before someone jumps down my throat).

Oh, and before I forget, that last one was a joke. We’re all doomed to die alone.

 

My take on ghosts and ghouls

You best start believing in ghost stories Miss Turner…. You’re in one!

Ghouls along with vampires/banshees/lecturers have frightened me since I was a wee one. Fortunately, I knew how to take care of the vampire issue – I frequently demonstrated some impressive martial arts moves around my bedroom before sleeping – and besides no one would dare come near me with the light on. Ah, the magical power of the light. Demonstrated frequently and with a 100 per cent success rate. How do I know this? Why, not only am I alive and writing this tale, I am writing as a non-parasitic bloodsucker (admittedly… Debatable). Anyway, leaving  my very real and impressive vampire fighting abilities aside, I shall move onto the topic in question; ghosts.

Are you a believer or not? You know the tales, someone you know knows someone who’s brother’s girlfriend’s uncle heard the banshee call and what happened a few hours later?? SOMEONE DIED. So there’s a banshee in that family and you decide to stay clear of marrying into it, for fear that every time that brat next door screams bloody murder there actually will be a bloody murder. Or, it could just be because that girl slept with your brother, keyed his car and pulled a Britters by shaving off her hair. One or the other.

But what about ghosts then? Far more terrifying tales have been told about the supposed otherworldly beings. In fact, I am that brother’s girlfriend’s uncle (you can call me Uncle Sam – this is in no way related to the government of the United States of America and I am certainly not being paid to advertise them in any way…). On an unrelated note, want to have great health care, support your country and and save lives? We want YOU! Sign up here: http://www.goarmy.com/ to make all your dreams come true.

So ghosts. Yeah I’ve heard of em – what of it? Oh, you want to know my sordid tale, the meat to this metaphorical sandwich etc etc.

Get ready to have your mind blown, folks. This tale ain’t for the faint hearted. It all started when I moved house for the umpteenth time. I sighed as I entered the doorway, so this would be my home for the next year (two, tops). It was a nice place, nothing wrong with it except there was a kind of eerie coldness that I couldn’t quite put my finger on… As I walked upstairs to my room, I was shivering. I jumped at the creaking floorboards knowing there was something not right about this coldness… Fortunately, I found the central heating switch quite quickly and the coldness magically disappeared. All hail the power of central heating.

But enough messing around, get on with it, Nainsi. My story doesn’t involve me per se (at all) but it does involve one of my family members. We’ll call him Uncle Mick. So Uncle Mick was a daring sort of fellow, had his head screwed on, didn’t take bullshit, just a straight forward, nice guy. Anyway, he was courting a young lady up in the mountains (we’ll call her Mary) and so cycled his bike there every day (I know – way to play hard to get Mick). Anyway, every day he saw a lady on a bicycle and stopped to talk. She was a young girl in her 20s and was living with her father though also courting a young man at the time. Mick enjoyed these chats and talked about her a lot to Mary’s family. (Mick er, didn’t get out much)

So one day, he was cycling up the hills once more and who did he see? Why, that young cailin on her bicycle, of course! He called over to her and tried to stop the bicycle but she didn’t stop – just kept cycling. This struck him as very strange. When he reached Mary’s house, he commented that she had been very rude. “Stuck up, cow” he grumbled (Er, I would imagine). But Mary’s face went pale. “She died 7 hours ago, Mick. Shot herself.” she whispered. Mick laughed, “Of course she didn’t, I just saw her on the bicycle and I am 100 per cent sure it was her”.

It turned out that the girl had been dead at the time Mick had seen her. Whether she had killed herself or not, was another story. You see, the girl had been pregnant with a Protestants baby and she was a Catholic. Of course, this wouldn’t matter one iota in this day and age but back then, she was accused of shaming her family and her father had flown into a rage when he found out. A terribly sad and eerie tale indeed.

Next time I’ll tell you about the time Mick was caught in the fairy ring and had to wait until they were asleep to escape… (You know, come to think of it, maybe Mick wasn’t quite all there…)